What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 00:30
Im still living with it.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Do you consider yourself pretty?
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Especially a lifetime of it.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
What happens to single guys when they get older?
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
He knew the spot.
So, i spoilt her more .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
What are your darkest taboo confessions?
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
What was your most memorable experience catching a fraudulent car seller?
One cannot live in the past .
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Why do black people prefer thick, curvy women?
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Atheists who have read the Bible and think that contains immoral things, why do you assume that?
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I never cut or harmed myself..
I was seconnd youngest,
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Who then, do I blame.?
The only rule us 5 kids had .
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
Why did i forgive my father ?
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I have no regrets .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
So whats the point in blame.
She loved him until the end.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Ive learnt so much.
Put me off passion for life!!
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was dying to do it , i knew.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I was 9 years of age.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
All the time i was locked up.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
When she asked me how she looked .
And who doesn’t know suffering?
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I waited trembling.
I was scared of men, in general
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was very sick at this time too.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
As i do to all so called friends.?
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Comes on , in middle age.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I will be 64.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
She found it foreign!.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
But ive been too sick for many years..
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I write beautiful poetry .
I don,t even have a pension.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
We were not on the streets..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She was in good health!
And i lived it daily.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
I could never make a relationship work though!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Would this be the day?
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
My life is so biszare .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
My family never makes their pension either.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
This is soul school!.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
But, we were locked up after school.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
He resisted the act ,that day.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
What did i know ?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
I think the readers, may guess!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
I couldn’t, believe it.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
She married twice! .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But it wasn’t much.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
We all went to grammer schools
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
It was going to be , some day.
I said to her